Response to "New Coach" by Lauren Sides

This short story is about a high school girl's plight as a competitive cheerleader, thanks to her inconsiderate, overbearing new coach, Alex. Before she starts cheerleading, she never thinks it could be such a demanding, intense sport; however, she quickly learns that this is not the case, especially after all the intense, cruel training the new coach Alex puts her through. I think this is a story about a girl who learns a sinister truth about the world: that even in a sport that should be fun, there are people—like Alex—who only have eyes for selfish gain, and whose only goal is to win, whatever the cost.

I think one thing that works well for you in the story is the extremity of the conflict between Kaylee and Alex, the extremity of sentiments each character feels. It seems to me that, although Kaylee participates in the sport for the competitive aspect of it, having a good time is more important to her than being perfect and winning all the time. This, to me, is evidenced in the fragility of her body as they start moving into more intense training, as well as the casual practice attire the girls are accustomed to wearing before the new coach arrives. Alex, on the other hand, has no interest whatsoever in whether or not his girls are having a good time and bonding. His personality stands on the opposite extreme from Kaylee’s: he is all about physicality, all about bringing home medals and trophies, selfish really.

I feel like this story is told but not really shown. I would like to see things more, instead of just being told everything that happens. I think adding some dialogue would go a long way in solving this issue. It seems more like the dialogue is a momentary escape from the narrative voice, like an aside. Try to make it more mainstream; I’m not necessarily suggesting that it should overtake the narration, but you might consider using it as a supplement to the narration, so much so that the two operate about 50-50.  Descriptions of characters would also go a long way in showing the story unfolding instead of telling it. Without good, concrete details the story seems rushed, like you are just trying to write it to get it over with. In the first sentence, when you talk about the extreme pain Kaylee experiences, try thinking about that pain: what part of the body is it affecting? How can you make the reader really feel the pain she’s feeling?