Response to "Leaving" by Rhamah

"Leaving" is about a girl who must learn to deal with her sexuality thanks to her best friend from childhood, Kat, who turns out to be a lesbian and falls in love with her. She must ultimately decide what is the right thing to do in the relationship, bearing in mind that there is some kind of disconnect between the two “girlfriends.” She ultimately concludes, through the wisdom of a professional counselor, that she is asexual, which influences her to leave the relationship, which she determines is the best move.

I really like the rawness of this story. I like the descriptions that aren’t embellished and don’t try to be anything special. These end up being very powerful and very special to the story. I’ll give two examples, although the story is swimming with these simple yet provocative images. I like the image of the creeper boy who “throws dead worms at the back of our heads” as well as “I just felt too hot, like she was smothering me.” Images like these, especially the latter, go so far in drawing for me the personality of the first person narrator (I also approve of your choice of first person point of view). The fearlessness of the touchy subject the story deals with also goes miles in taking us into the mind of the narrator. To her, it is maybe not so touchy to talk so openly about sex, about “getting physical,” about her sex drive, and about her kiss. The way she accepted her best friend’s confession without any apparent icky feelings, and the way she seemed to jump right into the lesbian relationship, also expresses well this asexual personality, who is able to simply flex and cope with these touchy situations. In a word, I felt I knew the narrator really well and thought her character development was incredible.

Although the narrator’s raw dialogue and thoughts are integral in developing her character, I think there are several instances of little afterthoughts that could be left out without losing the essence of the character, and that would improve the dialogue. Take out the “or something”’s, which I think appear twice in the story. I would also take out the “sort of” when she says, “So I guess it counts, sort of.” But don’t take out everything that comes after a comma or at the end of the sentence, as I think most of them help establish the voice of the narrator.