Response to Kody

            “Over the Counter” by Kody is a story about a small-town family that finds itself wanting financially. When the father is offered an opportunity by his friend Tim to steal prescription drugs from the pharmacy he works at, he reluctantly jumps at the deal, in which he will sell the “big shark” pills to Tim. Ultimately, it is his anxiety and devotion to his needy family that pushes him to start stealing the pills.

            Unlike many stories that have a drop-off ending that leaves vital questions unanswered, this story answers every issue it neds to. We have seen the protagonist father complete a transformation. It is not a transformation from a morally good man to a corrupt man, but from a civil man to a lawbreaker. The ending is appropriate, because he has already reached the point of climax: the decision to steal the pills. The development of the setting is also beautifully constructed. They are in a small town, where the close proximity of people makes his actions more fragile. The religiosity of their culture also likely adds to the guilt. Perhaps it is his apparent lack of religious zeal, as evidenced by his sleepiness in church and his bar escapades, that leads him to make his decision against his better wisdom. The language is also nicely done, with a healthy variety of short, abrupt sentences and longer, more reflexive ones.

            I would give a name to the town the characters are living in, and maybe give proper names to the pharmacy and the church, adding even more local color to that which you’ve already established. I would also go into lengthy, more detailed description of his theft of the pills in the final scene, which would make it even more of an adrenaline rush than it already is. Overall, this is an exciting, complex story that I really enjoyed reading.

Response to "The Grind" by Cole Eady

This is a story about a young man disillusioned with the work force he finds himself interviewing for. Interviewing to work for the famous comedian Stewart Donahue, the protagonist Skipper Fischer enters the interview with confidence and excitement, and leaves in an awkward way thoroughly repulsed by the business of comedy.

This story is told from the first person view of Fischer, who, like a typical comedian, has a cynical view of the world. I really like the irony that occurs here: that his cynicism leads him to disdain the most cynical of professions. His descriptions of the people he meets at the Midnight Slot interview, which are also tainted by his cynicism, give the reader spot on images of the characters. First, we see the small red-headed guy with glasses who looks nervous, then we see the tall wiry guy, whose overconfident manner suggest his content might not be good enough to impress Donahue. I also like the descriptions of the building, the “big glass doors” and the interviewees “trickling across cold tile floors.” It all gives the impression of a hyper-modernized New York City high rise. I also like the characterization of the senior writer Martin. He seems like a prick, which I think is the person you wanted to create.

One thing I would do would be to make Skipper less conscious of his judgments of others. You could do this by telling the reader how Skipper feels about certain things rather than what he thinks about them. You could describe his emotional reaction to people; this way, we would still get his cynical opinion about why people do what they do, but we would also feel a more personal connection with the character, something I thought was lacking. Maybe it was the lack of connection I felt with Skipper that confused me in the end when he came to this abrupt disillusionment with the comedy industry. It seems like he is enjoying himself at the beginning, and that he feels confident about his chances of getting a job. I’d like specific examples of what happened in that board meeting that changed his mind so fast, because I don’t really see anything in his character that would lead him to hate the jokes they were making.

Response to Robert's story "Pretend"

“Pretend” by Robert is a fresh story told from the point of view from an older man who is planning to rob a person at a gas station in the middle of nowhere in Arizona or New Mexico.  There is much suspense in the story, from the point we find out what the protagonist is going to do, to his spotting the woman he is going to rob, to his difficulty in carrying out the plan when he actually sets it into motion. By the end of the story, the character transforms into someone who is able to appreciate beauty in the world: the beauty of the West and the beauty of other people.

I think there are many great things going for this story. The plot itself is great; I personally have a great interest in literature from a criminal’s point of view, and I think many people do. It’s something that stays exciting no matter how many times it is tried. I like the internal conflict the protagonist suffers in his mind. I like that the story has a positive outcome: the criminal decides not to go through with his plan, and learns a valuable lesson about life and assumedly himself in the process. I also love the details in the story. I think they make it memorable and tangible. I particularly love the description of the cold metal tucked close to his body, the M&M’s he stashes near the gun, the touch of his hand against the gun as he reaches for the M&M’s, the naïve yet bold behavior of the woman in the car when she is frightened by the approaching robber, and the “koala bear hug.”

Like we mentioned in class today, one thing I would add to the story is a little bit about the protagonist’s history. It appears he’s a lonely man, but I’m not really sure what’s going on to bring him to this desperate criminal attempt. I know you’re going for a non-descript protagonist (hence the lack of a true name), but I think the story would benefit from a physical description of him besides a ballpark range of his age.  Also, the protagonist uses the word “beautiful” a lot. He does not automatically strike the reader as someone who would think of the word “beautiful,” given his intentions at the start. I’d like to be given just a touch of information to bridge the gap between the man plotting the crime and the man who sees beauty.

"Winter's Chill" by Lauren B.

Lauren Barkley’s story, “Winter’s Chill” deals with two characters who do not exactly have a picture-perfect marriage. The story ends in tragedy when Mrs. Smart receives a phone call that her husband has been killed in a car crash while travelling to the mountains to retrieve a dead body on an icy winter night.

I fell in love with the characters in this story almost as soon as they entered the narrative picture. First, you have Mr. Smart, who is suspicious of his wife, and therefore always in a foul mood. Then, you have Mrs. Smart, who seems to be a woman with a promiscuous history, yet she truly does love Mr. Smart. Everything about the story and their relationship screams tragedy; it is like watching a marriage that is doomed to perpetual and irreparable despair. Even though this relationship is somewhat of a commonality, the way you introduced the characters gave them freshness, particularly in light of Mr. Smart’s job, a collector of bodies to be taken to funeral homes. I also thought it was a brilliant narrative strategy you used dividing the story into two points of view: the first part from Mr. Smart’s suspicious point of view and the second part from Mrs. Smart’s point of view.

I think there’s a lot more potential in this story than you have narrated. Mr. Smart’s character is developed perfectly; however, you do not give enough information about Mrs. Smart. In one sentence, you say that he has reason not to trust her. I found this surprising. I thought the story was headed in such a direction that would reveal Mrs. Smart as a completely innocent person (regardless of her past), showing how unfounded Mr. Smart’s suspicions were. Instead, you tell us that Mr. Smart has good reason for suspicion, but you do not offer any further explanation for this. That seems too inconsistent with the character I was expecting according to Mr. Smart’s set up. I like the way this doomed relationship ends in a chilly fatality, but I think the car crash scenario is too unoriginal. I believe you can make a more creative ending. The final thing I suggest is to drop the adverbs in the tag lines describing how the characters say things (i.e. “cautiously” and “irritably” on the first page).

Response to Ethan's story

            “Holes full of dirt” by Ethan Hightower is about a teenage boy looking for self-confidence and searching to please the girl he has a crush on. He finds that he is incompetent to fix the holes in the road on his own, but he finds encouragement from his father, which helps him to keep his head up at the conclusion of the story.

            I really like the characters in this story and the conflicts that are going on between them. First, there is the conflict between the protagonist Jeremy and Ashlyn, who is a year older, attractive, enchanting, and able to drive. The conflict is pretty simple: since Ashlyn is older, Jeremy feels like she has power over him, like he has to do something extraordinary to prove his worthiness to her; that really, he doesn’t have a chance with her. Second, there is conflict between Jeremy and his friend Denver. Jeremy snaps at Denver when he approaches the protagonist filling the potholes in the road and asks if he wants to hang out later. When Jeremy awkwardly turns down Denver’s friendly requests, Denver thinks Jeremy is prudish for wanting to work hard and silly for trying to impress the girl. Finally there is conflict between Jeremy and his father. Jeremy is afraid his father will be judgmental to him when he asks to use the tractor to get the truck out of the ditch; however, realizing his son’s self-defeated air, he pats Jeremy on the back and tells him he’s done a fine job.

            The protagonist needs more profound and detailed thoughts, specifically thoughts pertaining to his perception of self, his desires, fears, etc. As a reader, I have no doubt what these thoughts and emotions are, as they are stated pretty clearly. However, I think these thoughts could be visualized better if they were stated more subtly or indirectly. As an example, the paragraph with the sentence, “Like in most other circumstances, the more I thought, the more uncomfortable I felt,” could be improved by saying something like:

                        “Unable to change the subject, I fell into silence. I felt trapped. My tongue

was restricted by my racing thoughts, and I felt more and more like a helpless child beside her, her hand poised coolly on the steering wheel.”

This way, you are saying the same things, but we can visualize this better and empathize better with what Jeremy is feeling.

Response to Nate's story

            “The Last Bit of Home-made Sugar” is a regional short story about a boy whose perfect world is tainted by a neighbor’s heart attack and death. It is the first time he has seen a person die, although he seemed to be mentally prepared for such occasion, since several members of his family are advancing in age. Witnessing the death makes him feel alone, something he’s never really experienced before. The loneliness is visualized provocatively at the conclusion of the story when he is alone in the dark on the side of the gravel road, abandoned by his family, who are rushing to get Jonsey to the hospital.

            The imagery and descriptions in the story are beautiful. The story is filled with colors and tastes, which really make the setting come alive. “The taste of conifers,” the surrender of the forest from green to white, the calls of whooper wills, and the bakalaka are sensuous descriptions that make the writing very visual and colorful. Also, the constancy of sugar throughout the story ties all the important regional realities together, and creates a startling contrast between the sweetness of his life and the bitterness of his experience at the conclusion.

            One thing you could improve is the variation of sentence structures, which would add to the colorfulness of the story. Sometimes you will have a few sentences that have nearly identical length, followed by a short sentence. This variation is good, but still falls into a repetitive rhythm that you should consciously alter. I’d also like to see a little more character development, particularly the protagonist. How does he change over the course of the story? Most importantly, what are his desires? I feel like he is a complete and round character, and that the scene at the end establishes this, but I’d like to see concretely how he got there.

Response to "Deception" by Laurel

"Deception" is a thriller story about an older couple who find themselves in an intrigue involving a neighborhood break-in. The conflict between the two characters heightens when Marcy's husband, Kevin leaves town for a business conference, leaving Marcy alone and uneasy. When Marcy calls the wife of Kevin’s business partner and discovers he is not with Kevin on the business trip, she catches on to Kevin’s lies, and realizes he is cheating with his co-worker Cynthia. The climax comes when an intruder breaks into Marcy’s house with a gun, attempts to kill her, and she finally realizes he is none other than her husband Kevin.

You did a good job building the suspense in the story. I was constantly anticipating the next action or the next slice of information in this deceptive intrigue.

I think there are a lot of things you could work on to improve this story. I predicted everything from the first page, that Kevin was the burglar, and later, that he was cheating with Cynthia. While subtle hints are good, you could write in such a way that the reader still is left with a sense of mystery. This is probably a story that needs much longer than ten pages, so I’m not sure if it would be possible to drop subtle hints without giving plot twists away.

I think it would also be a good idea to reduce the number of characters, and to give more personality to just a couple characters (probably Marcy and Kevin, to begin with). The multiple characters that really play no role but to move the plot forward become mixed up and confusing, especially since some of them have names that start with the same letter (Candice and Cynthia and Clair). You also have some descriptions that are not needed, like when you are talking about the neighbor’s witness of the initial break-in. You say she said she thought she saw something, with a loud emphasis on the word. However, you don’t need the description of her speech that says it is loud, because you are already painting us that picture when you italicize the word.

Bender goes "Off" on creepy girl

            “Off” is about the pathological self-centeredness of a woman at a party. Bender narrates the story from a first person point of view, putting us in the bizarre mind of this young woman, who, exteriorly, stands as a kind of stereotype of the beautiful, overdressed girl at the party who drinks a little and does crazy things. This is a story about the appearance of a situation versus its reality, but unlike the mainstream story that deals with misunderstood people, this one leaves us with a disturbing reality of the interior workings of this woman’s mind.

            The first person point of view is critical to achieve the impact the story does; Bender orchestrates this to perfection. Through the language and ideas of the narrator, the reader determines from the first paragraph that our protagonist is a cold, heartless person. Her lustful descriptions that seem to jump around without bound show us that, internally, she is like a sensual beast that doesn’t possess any kind of moral compass. The blond ex-boyfriend Adam connects the reader from the interior reality of the protagonist to her exterior perception from a person who “knows” her intimately. We feel sorry for Adam by the end of the story. Bender uses his character to thoroughly haunt the reader, because Adam, the person closest to the protagonist, seems to be the one person who gives her a chance. We can see through her narration that she is unappreciative of his efforts.

            Although I think the story accomplishes everything it needs to, and the way it ends is completely appropriate, I’m curious to know whether the protagonist changes after the text ends, after Adam takes her hand. I don’t think it is outside the realm of possibility to expect a softening of the heart of the protagonist. There are a few hints in the text that this might be possible: the bathroom scene, where she seems for a moment to be turned on by Adam not just lustfully but also by the memories of their relationship; and her description when the partiers ignore her in the bedroom, and she says, “I felt truly cold.” I took this as recognition by the protagonist that she was a depraved person, which is the first thing necessary for her to change.

"The love of my life" by T.C. Boyle

This is a story about the disillusionments of young love, disillusionments that are fostered by TV and movies, as well as by the lack of good examples of how love should look, which is evidenced in the story by Jeremy’s missing parents and China’s absence of an instructive mother. It is also a tale of the injustice that can occur as a result of a relationship. It was China who refused to see a doctor, to do everything secretively; Jeremy wanted her to go see a doctor from the start. But it was clearly Jeremy who lost everything in the end. You could even see in the story that Jeremy had strong feelings of anguish at what he had to do to the baby, whereas China handled everything with a steely coldness, down to the trial, when she pressed charges against Jeremy and lied about what happened. Although China seems to genuinely long for Jeremy at the end, I think it is more about her longing for better days than for her actually feeling any sympathy toward Jeremy. Her interests are wholly self-centered, while I think Jeremy always had China’s best interests in mind. I feel bad for Jeremy at the conclusion of this piece.

I thought the descriptions were really beautiful. “They kissed, her lips so cold it was like kissing a steak through the plastic wrapper.” Boyle’s writing is covered in raw rhetoric like this; often his descriptions are so raw and tangible it makes you cringe to read them.

I thought the jumping around in time was pretty confusing in places, and I don’t think it does anything really special for the story. Until I was nearly finished with the story, I wasn’t sure if the movie scene came before or after the spring break part. There was something about the narrative arc of the story that, for me, left me unsure the order of events for a good portion of the story.

Response to "Lessons" by J.J.

“Lessons” is a satisfying story: satisfying in a diabolical way, but satisfying nevertheless. It is a tense, suspenseful story about an American touring in southern Italy. This boy, who I take to be between 17 and 21 years old, has a specific set of cynical beliefs, which end up in the passenger’s seat after the twist at the end of the story.

The tension that builds in the story is enthralling, and the character development of the boy is also nicely done. He is cynical. There is also a story underneath the obvious story, which you give us subtle hints about in the story, such as the “intent gaze” of the boy as he looks out the train window. The dialogue is also really nicely done. I love the satisfaction we get at the end of the story when the boy’s skepticism about this creepy old man is confirmed, but the boy ends up with all the money. I also found myself diabolically pleased that the American triumphed over the Italian; and the stereotype you played on in the story is so true: that Europeans act like they created time, and that they always seem to have something to say to people who have a “hungry eye.” This “hungry eye” is another subtle hint you dropped, and turned out to be true in a cool, ironic way.

The main objection I have is this: if the boy is about to pickpocket this man, he’s going to be really nervous. I’m not sure he would have the calmness and coolness to ponder whether the man’s smile was genuine or not, as his thoughts would likely be self-conscious, frantic, and maybe even neurotic. And I doubt he would seem annoyed at the Italian’s too-easy manner; he’d be too preoccupied with how he was going to get the wallet. I think the way you’ve narrated the encounter could work if you made it more clear that he was more anxious than annoyed by the old man. I saw it heading in a direction where the conclusion would reveal to us whether the man was genuine or whether he was a child predator. I think you need to lead us in such a way that there’s never really any speculation that he could be a child predator. To me, the story was more about genuineness and mistrust in people in general than it was about a dangerous situation. To me, it seems like the story threatens to split in two different directions: I just think you need to strike out the dangerous stranger possibility that lingers in my head during the story.

Response to "Leaving" by Rhamah

"Leaving" is about a girl who must learn to deal with her sexuality thanks to her best friend from childhood, Kat, who turns out to be a lesbian and falls in love with her. She must ultimately decide what is the right thing to do in the relationship, bearing in mind that there is some kind of disconnect between the two “girlfriends.” She ultimately concludes, through the wisdom of a professional counselor, that she is asexual, which influences her to leave the relationship, which she determines is the best move.

I really like the rawness of this story. I like the descriptions that aren’t embellished and don’t try to be anything special. These end up being very powerful and very special to the story. I’ll give two examples, although the story is swimming with these simple yet provocative images. I like the image of the creeper boy who “throws dead worms at the back of our heads” as well as “I just felt too hot, like she was smothering me.” Images like these, especially the latter, go so far in drawing for me the personality of the first person narrator (I also approve of your choice of first person point of view). The fearlessness of the touchy subject the story deals with also goes miles in taking us into the mind of the narrator. To her, it is maybe not so touchy to talk so openly about sex, about “getting physical,” about her sex drive, and about her kiss. The way she accepted her best friend’s confession without any apparent icky feelings, and the way she seemed to jump right into the lesbian relationship, also expresses well this asexual personality, who is able to simply flex and cope with these touchy situations. In a word, I felt I knew the narrator really well and thought her character development was incredible.

Although the narrator’s raw dialogue and thoughts are integral in developing her character, I think there are several instances of little afterthoughts that could be left out without losing the essence of the character, and that would improve the dialogue. Take out the “or something”’s, which I think appear twice in the story. I would also take out the “sort of” when she says, “So I guess it counts, sort of.” But don’t take out everything that comes after a comma or at the end of the sentence, as I think most of them help establish the voice of the narrator. 

Response to "Mountain Blood" by Cary Bayless

            “Mountain Blood” is a story about a friendship between two college-age guys, a friendship that grows stronger after an exchange they have at a camp in the mountains. It is also a story about Chad Grune’s struggle to move on with his life after his girlfriend is murdered. He thinks he is ready to let loose, to get drunk and find some girls to party with, but when he knocks himself out smacking his head against the granite table, his dream about the last moments of his girlfriend’s life return him to the reality that what he needs more than a good party is the solitude of the mountains and the companionship of a male friend.

            I really like what the ring does in your story. When we discussed the story “Emergency,” we talked about the knife as an object in the story that connected everything together. In your story, the ring does the same thing in a nice way; as soon as you started talking about the “something” that was in Chad’s pocket, my curiosity immediately drove me to wonder what kind of memento he could have in his pocket. As my curiosity piqued, you reveal to us at the end of his flashback-dream why the ring is so significant. I like that we don’t find out till near the end the full meaning of the ring; I think it builds the momentum of the story in a gripping way. I also think the first person point of view works well in the story, if for no other reason that it makes clear Chad is our round character, the protagonist who transforms during the story.

            I also enjoyed the imagery at the end, the light overcoming the darkness. I think the dialogue and interaction between Chad and Beau could be improved, particularly the part after the dream when the two are talking about how a person could be so depraved as to kill another. I was a bit skeptical when Beau said that he, Chad, and Julia are all lunatics like the killer. I understand that he’s talking about an inner depravity, not necessarily saying that they are murderers; but still, it doesn’t quite seem like something he would say. It felt forced, too V-for-Vendetta-ish. I would expect something more like, “He’s a fucked-up lunatic, but we can’t let people like him control what we think about the world.” Finally, I really like the “caring without pity” image you’ve painted in Beau. I would think of a way to express that image by showing it rather than telling it.

           

            

Response to "New Coach" by Lauren Sides

This short story is about a high school girl's plight as a competitive cheerleader, thanks to her inconsiderate, overbearing new coach, Alex. Before she starts cheerleading, she never thinks it could be such a demanding, intense sport; however, she quickly learns that this is not the case, especially after all the intense, cruel training the new coach Alex puts her through. I think this is a story about a girl who learns a sinister truth about the world: that even in a sport that should be fun, there are people—like Alex—who only have eyes for selfish gain, and whose only goal is to win, whatever the cost.

I think one thing that works well for you in the story is the extremity of the conflict between Kaylee and Alex, the extremity of sentiments each character feels. It seems to me that, although Kaylee participates in the sport for the competitive aspect of it, having a good time is more important to her than being perfect and winning all the time. This, to me, is evidenced in the fragility of her body as they start moving into more intense training, as well as the casual practice attire the girls are accustomed to wearing before the new coach arrives. Alex, on the other hand, has no interest whatsoever in whether or not his girls are having a good time and bonding. His personality stands on the opposite extreme from Kaylee’s: he is all about physicality, all about bringing home medals and trophies, selfish really.

I feel like this story is told but not really shown. I would like to see things more, instead of just being told everything that happens. I think adding some dialogue would go a long way in solving this issue. It seems more like the dialogue is a momentary escape from the narrative voice, like an aside. Try to make it more mainstream; I’m not necessarily suggesting that it should overtake the narration, but you might consider using it as a supplement to the narration, so much so that the two operate about 50-50.  Descriptions of characters would also go a long way in showing the story unfolding instead of telling it. Without good, concrete details the story seems rushed, like you are just trying to write it to get it over with. In the first sentence, when you talk about the extreme pain Kaylee experiences, try thinking about that pain: what part of the body is it affecting? How can you make the reader really feel the pain she’s feeling?